August 15, 2011 § 8 Comments
“Busy” used to be how I summed up my life.
“What are you up to?”
– “You know. Busy as usual.”
“What have you been up to?”
– “I’ve just been really busy lately”
“It’s been awhile since we’ve hung out.”
– “I know. I’m sorry; I’ve just been really busy.”
I didn’t like this busy person anymore after a point. When I wasn’t busy living, breathing and dreaming about work, I was busy being tired from it. I missed my life. I had finally found the person I wanted to build a life with but I was too pre-occupied to really enjoy that life together.
I was paying my dues building a career in advertising. I was making good money. I was getting to play a part in the success of Apple during some of its greatest achievements. I was truly lucky and grateful for the opportunity I had but it was just a bunch of busyness at the end of the day.
This year is about giving myself a break. I’ve taken my time back. I look back at the past 32 weeks and can’t believe how much I’ve done compared to the past 10 combined. I’ve been able to convince myself rationally that I’ve earned the break but I still battle the guilty feeling of not working. I feel guilty about not making money. I feel guilty when everyone else goes to work on Mondays. I feel guilty not knowing really what to say when people ask me what I do. I’ve taken back my time, but I still haven’t brought my brain back from wanting to live in the familiar land of busyness.
It’s like I’ve been running in a race so long I can’t bear the idea of pulling back from the pack and admitting I’m not really interested in running the same race anymore.
This week I’m going full stop. I’m going to do nothing. I’m going to enjoy not working. I’m going to stop worrying about what I’m going to do next. I’m going to give myself license to enjoy this unique opportunity I have and quit feeling guilty about it.
Step One? How does one go about starting doing nothing?
I love this post Darcie. I think you are talking about “presentness”–something I myself am trying to exercise. Regardless of where you are, this is a hard one. It’s partly meditative, but also partly sitting inside the moment without judgement. I look forward to hearing about your experiences. A visit to an art museum with the goal of looking at just a few works (i.e. 2 or 3 things in an hour) might be a way to take a baby step in.
I totally agree with you. It’s a really hard thing to do even when you don’t have a million distractions! I love your idea of going to look at art. I definitely have nature covered here.
You used to be really good at doing nothing -especially when it came to cleaning your room. Ha Ha! xoxo Mom
that was one thing I was always good at doing nothing with for sure!
I love this entry Darcie. This is exactly how I feel now. I am going to live vicariously through you this week, ok?
I will share what I learn! Just remember what Yoda said: “All his life has he looked away… to the future, to the horizon. Never his mind on where he was.”
May the Force be with you, Young Master!
I’ve been so busy since I got back that I haven’t had a chance to read these: How Prophetic that my kettle look down on the pot, verdad. Preach it sistah’ Preaaach!
Oh but can I say that your mom called you out up above, did she not?! Would that be CoL (called out loud?) hmmmm.